I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
being pregnant is like rehab
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize