11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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