I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.