i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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