If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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