Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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