he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
