sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
