He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
