she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
