This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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