so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
