I was born with a shot glass in my hand
home. puking in laundry basket.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
