Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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