I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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