i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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