I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
