I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
