I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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