Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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