So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Four minutes until I can fart!
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
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oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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