I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
