I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Text me some of your sweat
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
