need another drink. this is the easiest way
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
