you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
