You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
