you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
