We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
