It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
