wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
