flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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