does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize