I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
