I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
