As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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