3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
