I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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