So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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