someone threw a dead crab at me
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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