just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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