I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
