Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
