Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
