I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
