I wanna bring you to show and tell
Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
