There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
