dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
