i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
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Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
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I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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