Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
