12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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