Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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