I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
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You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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