He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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