mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's blow job season.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
