I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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