woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
