I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
