I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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