Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
